Dear Diary,
Today I was pompous, and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.


Ok, not really.



Welcome back, blog! It's been awhile. So much has happened! But let's ignore it all and focus on today.



I think today was "If you married your cousin you are entitled to free zoo tickets" day at the zoo. I swear I have never seen such a collection of...(what's the PC term? Aw screw it, you all know what I mean by the incest reference)...individuals in my life, and remember: I lived in Kentucky.

Example: A woman picks up her barefoot 5-year old son as they enter the rainforest and says, "I'm gonna carry you through here. It looks DIRTY." Because the rest of the ZOO, where animals CRAP ALL DAY and people WALK THROUGH IT, is spotlessly clean. When I asked "Excuse me, does he have shoes?" she gave me a very rude and belligerent "NO!" So sorry for challenging your parenting style. It's a public place, you cretin! It's not the beach or the pool, the only two public places it is socially acceptable to be barefoot, and it's filthy!

Today I stole L's radio for a joke. He left it sitting on a bench, so I swiped it and ran gleefully toward the rainforest. Ten minutes later, a panicked L calls over what turned out to be his boss' radio asking if he could call my cell. I said no, I left it at home. Then I skipped joyfully back to maintenance, and smugly asked if he was missing something. He told me he got into trouble for losing his radio.

Awww crap.

This boy does NOT need any more trouble at work.

Consumed by guilt, I hastily hand over the radio, apologize, and dart into the office to explain to the maintenance boss what happened. Unfortunately, it's the BIG boss today. The one who is wiry and ferrety and disapproving of all things hijinky. I explain, he says "I see. Well we all must have fun at work," in a totally expressionless deadpan, and I beat it out of there. Usually, I can do no wrong with most of the maintenance guys...with the youngest of them, it seems I can do nothing right.

Tomorrow I resolve to be nice to people. ALL people. Even members of the public. Because I caught myself rolling my eyes at the zoo-going masses a couple of times today, and I wear a nametag, so I can't do that too much.

I have had two memos (or "Toolbox Safety" communiques, as they're now called: basically little notes at our bi-weekly meetings that are supposed to be reminders for everyone, but are only issued after someone has done something wrong) directed at me so far in my short career at this zoo. Both were about wardrobe, specifically acceptable shorts length (no less than 7'' from the inseam) and appropriate socks (must blend, must not stand out). Apparently I'm aiming for several more "This means YOU" memos, including "Respecting our coworkers," "The customer is always right," and "Radios are not toys." If I sexually harass someone and use bad language in the break room, I can collect the whole set!


I was such a model employee before I came here! What happened?

What did we learn today? I'm, of course, embarrassed and guilt-stricken about the whole L's Radio episode, but mostly I'm worried about this not-so-subconscious desire to hurt L. Whenever we pal around, I always end up hitting him (playfully!), or kicking him (flirtatiously!), or almost getting him written up (in the spirit of good-natured ribbing!) but in the end, it's all violence, right? And that's never good.

Tomorrow I'll be nice to people. ALL people. Maybe one in particular.